Date: Nov 08 2010 03:44 AM Title: Stupid Grif
Hey there! Welcome to the site :D
I quite like it. You've got a good basic story with decent interaction. However I find the dialogue, although flowing, a little too...crude? Even by RvB standards. The thing to be careful with foul language in a story is that it’s only really effective if it’s in moderation and/or joined with clever dialogue. Too much tends to cause it to descend into an inane babble between characters - which is not as entertaining. Though that might just be me.
Other than that, there’s good narrative, and I look forward to seeing more of your stuff. ;)